Photo by Ozgu Ozden on Unsplash
A few weeks ago, I received the news that a beloved pastor in our denomination was in hospice care. Whenever I’ve received news that someone is in the final moments of life, God quiets my soul. I retreat inward into a focused hush. As grief swells around the wound of loss, my focus turns to prayer for that person as they approach the separation of body and soul. This is a sacred space, and an opportunity for God’s redeemed family to serve their brother or sister in Christ one last time, to get down on their knees and wash their feet through prayer as they prepare to run to their Savior.
Even though I didn’t know Rev. Timothy Keller personally, his gospel legacy reached even me, and I can trace his influence on my life ever since 2007 in the majestic alps of Switzerland where I first heard his recorded, gentle, pastoral voice on a cassette tape.
In a little chalet, with books stacked on shelves from floor to ceiling, I was in search of something to study as a newlywed wife. My husband and I had just gotten married and flown to Paris for his college semester abroad as he was studying for his Worship Arts degree. L’Abri, in Huemoz, Switzerland, was one of our stops on our three month journey through Europe, visiting various Christian places of worship and study. The typical visitor to L’Abri comes to study about their specific interests or questions of faith and Christianity. I didn’t arrive with questions (yet), but I wanted to learn about marriage. So I went in search of books and lectures recorded on cassette tape.
As I was browsing one day, I came across a series of tapes on marriage by a visiting teacher named, Timothy Keller. I popped it into the tape player and put on the headphones and settled in for an afternoon of learning. He sounded knowledgeable and wise, Biblical and methodical, and genuinely earnest. You could tell that he desired his students, from different countries and cultures, to clearly understand what he was presenting to them from the Scripture.
This was a pivotal time in my life. At that time I was 29 years old and my faith was solid. My faith that I had held so strongly before coming to L’Abri was about to go through an unexplainable and unexpected spiritual crisis. Additionally, I believe it was all planned by my loving God to guide and prepare me, through many experiences, and His loving sovereign hand, things that I would need later in life to help others also walk through difficult seasons like mine.
A couple years later, I learned of Tim Keller’s best-selling book, The Reason for God. I picked it up, because I was silently and desperately hanging on to my rock solid faith that was seemingly crumbling in the contours of the valley of all my questions. I was afraid of having questions. I was afraid to tell anyone that I was going through this experience. After all, I was a pastor’s daughter, had served in church ministry since I was in 7th grade, had gone to two different Bible schools, worked in various churches, served on missions trips, traveled all over to share the gospel of grace with anyone who would listen at home and abroad. And now, I was overwhelmed with questions and doubts that assailed me and threatened to overwhelm me. What would people think of me? I was simply ashamed to have questions.
The Reason for God helped me, as did various other books on apologetics, a branch of theology that works to defend Christian doctrine. I dove into it like nobody’s business. It became my daily passion, my evening study after I got home from my job, my constant obsession. Even more than my years at Bible college, I studied church history, sought out the writings and arguments of the leading Christian apologists of the day. My husband and I even went to a debate on Christianity held at the very secular University of British Columbia in Vancouver to hear a visiting Christian apologist explain the validity of Christianity. I pondered these things in my heart and wrestled with them in all my waking hours.
Eventually, over time, the faithful hand of God brought me through that spiritual crisis, and because of it, Christ gave me a more compassionate, gentle, and understanding heart for those who struggle with doubt. He took what seemed to be crumbling apart and strengthened it through the fiery trial.
I was working on my computer in our cozy family room the morning I learned that Tim Keller had died. My music streaming device had pulled up a new song that I had never heard before. This song and this grief collided in God’s perfect timing as the reality hit me that an era was over, that my brother in Christ was now with Jesus. I am so thankful for Tim Keller’s faithfulness to Jesus. I share this song here, because that moment was a sacred moment for me. A faithful pastor was home. God is making all things new.